Show 'Em Who's Boss: Leadership Techniques for the Truly Superior
August 1st 2007 16:58
The following article is a humorous look at those techniques many of us resort to--often subconsciously--in our attempts to be successful. It applies equally to writers, business people, and other humans who share a common interest: the desire to succeed. Enjoy!
Show 'Em Who's Boss, or How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
Here is a list of 30 helpful tips on how you can reveal to the world the vast inner resources you possess, rising above the mire of mediocrity and reaching a pinnacle of success previously only dreamed of.
Get angry at least once a day. If "blowing up" doesn't come naturally to you, this may take a little practice. But, be patient. In time it will become second nature to you. The reason this technique is so important is that it will teach people to take you seriously. It will also discourage them from resisting your superior ideas, "suggestions," and "recommendations." Never underestimate the value of this simple technique in setting the appropriate "tone" for all your interpersonal and business relationships.
Be hyper-critical. Never fail to point out the faults of others at every possible opportunity--preferably in public and the more people around, the better. This not only keeps people on their toes, but also shows that you have real insight into the inner workings of the human psyche.
Be a blamer. After all, you know that whenever anything goes wrong, it's always their fault. So, why shouldn't other people know it, too? Otherwise, they might actually think it was your fault--and that certainly couldn't be the case! And why shouldn't they themselves know it when they're wrong? You wouldn't want them to go along thinking they were doing a good job, now would you? That just wouldn't be fair to them.
Be uncompromising--never give in! This will demonstrate your strength, giving you the upper hand in any situation in which you may find yourself. And we all know that control is a very important component of leadership. If you hold out long enough, eventually others will see that you are right--or at least they'll go along with your superior ideas--even if reluctantly. This will, of course, benefit them in the long run, though they may not be able to see that--or perhaps just won't admit it--right now.
When in doubt, rationalize. You can always think of a good reason for everything you do or want to do, if you try hard enough. Be creative. This is what "separates the men from the boys": the ability to convincingly call all the relevant arguments to your aid, at a moment's notice, whenever they are needed. With a little practice, you'll become an expert in no time.
Be sarcastic. It's the easiest way to add impact to your words. The best authors use it as a literary device, don't they? And, I might add, a very effective one, at that. If the literary world recognizes the value of sarcasm, why don't we? This technique has exceptional potential for highlighting not only your supreme command of the English language--but also your commanding superiority over other people. Utilize this technique and watch them cringe in your awesome presence!
Be unappreciative. After all, the world owes you! You're completely deserving of every good thing that comes your way. In any event, gushing gratefulness is very undignified! And there's certainly no reason to give people the impression that you need them. Besides, they obviously had an ulterior motive for their generous actions, anyway.
Be cynical. Anybody who has any sense at all knows that people simply can't be trusted. Only the truly naïve believe otherwise. They are the only ones who don't seem to realize that the world is out to get them. You, on the other hand, are way ahead of the game, since you recognize the stark reality of this truth.
Be an expert on other people's motives. You've been around the block a few times. And you're one of the few who's smart enough to know exactly where other people are coming from and precisely what they're thinking. They can't fool you. And this is the way it should be. After all, you know how important it is to "look out for Number One"!
Be a "challenger." Never let anything go. Never give anyone the benefit of the doubt for any reason. This would be a real sign of weakness. Be sure to confront people every time you think of something you have against them. And never fall for the myth that it's better to wait for a more appropriate time to discuss it. What better time could there ever be than right now?
Be suspicious. People always have ulterior motives for everything they do. If they tell you otherwise, don't believe them. They're lying. "Judge now; ask questions later." That's always the best policy. All truly confident individuals do this. If you don't watch out for your own interests, don't expect anyone else to.
Never praise, encourage, or compliment anyone--or better yet, do the opposite. You wouldn't want to give them a swelled head or (gasp!) foster the erroneous impression that they're better than you are. You have to watch that kind of thing. People just don't know how to take a compliment these days. They blow it out of all proportion. You're far safer to avoid the problem altogether--though every now and then, a well-timed 'put-down' can prove invaluable in pride prevention.
Never fail to compete! Everyone knows that this is the only way to rise to the top. This cooperation business is for the birds! People never get ahead that way. In fact, that's the perfect way to remain just one of the crowd for the rest of your life. So, get busy! Show 'em who's the best: You!
Never indulge in self-evaluation. You're fine just exactly the way you are. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. They're just jealous, that's all. Besides, it's a waste of time and mental energy to sit there analyzing yourself when you could be out there doing something. You've heard the phrase "paralysis by analysis." Don't fall into that trap!
Be a "reminder." Never fail to say, "I told you so." Otherwise, how will people ever learn anything from their mistakes? And how will they ever realize just how much you know or how smart it would be to listen to you? When they do something wrong, be sure to throw it in their faces regularly. It builds character. And, goodness knows, they need it!
Be a "name-caller." If they do something stupid--well, that's just who they are. There's absolutely nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade. Always tell it like it is. They deserve it!
Always ask "What's in it for me?" Never do anything from purely altruistic motives. Only losers do that. Selfishness is nothing more than self-preservation, and the self-preservation instinct is only natural. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it. So don't let anyone trick you into believing that there is.
Always operate on the "favor-for-a-favor" principle. This is only fair. Besides, you wouldn't want people to get into the habit of expecting favors all the time. That could really get out of hand. People are always ready to take advantage of your generosity. So make sure you keep track, and always remind them when they owe you one.
Never forgive or forget. Always hold people accountable for everything! This is only right. After all, they did it, didn't they? How will they ever learn, if you always let them slide? Seriously, this is one of the worst things wrong with the world today: too much forgiveness! People don't have any strength of character anymore, any moral fiber! They have no resolve to stand up for what they believe in. I just don't understand it.
Be envious of others. You know you deserve what they have far more than they do! Other people just haven't realized it yet. But, they will! Just give it time. Before you know it, the world will recognize your superiority and you'll be amply rewarded, at last.
Be uncommunicative. When others try to coax you into conversation, clam up. Keep your ideas to yourself unless it benefits you to express them. If you talk less, they'll learn to appreciate what you say more. Give them the "silent treatment" whenever you really want to impress on them the seriousness of their transgressions. Their sins will shout to them in the silence. Everybody likes the "strong silent type," anyway.
Never admit to being wrong--and never say "I'm sorry." It's a sign of weakness. If you've made a minor mistake, ignore it. If you've made a major mistake, see previous advice. Just bide your time. It'll blow over. If someone confronts you about it, deny everything. If they catch you red handed, make an excuse--any excuse--or better still, try to turn it to your advantage. Make it look as if you were actually doing something commendable when circumstances turned against you.
Never show affection. People might just come to expect it. And you certainly wouldn't want that to become a habit! It could become quite an embarrassment. Just think of it! People might actually expect you to give them a hug--or, heaven forbid, a kiss--and maybe even in public! You need to avoid that scenario, at all costs!
Be possessive. You've worked hard for everything you have, and you deserve to keep it! Let them get their own! Generosity is highly overrated. Why own anything, for Pete's sake, if you're going to be giving it all away! What ever happened to the all-American principle of "private property"? This is one of the concepts that made America great!
Be an opportunist. Never fail to take advantage of others at every opportunity. Do unto others before they do unto you! You know they're just waiting for their chance to get you! So beat them to the punch, and you'll be the one to come out ahead.
Never fail to use flattery when it suits your purpose. People love to hear how great they are! In fact, they're invariably so happy to hear it that they rarely stop to think about whether or not it's true. You don't have to believe it--just say it. (If it makes you feel better, cross your fingers behind your back.) Honest compliments just don't do the trick. Flattery is simply one more technique in your arsenal of self-betterment tools that can help you reach your goals, and that makes it OK.
Be an "authority." After all, why should you waste your vast knowledge and experience? Others sorely need to hear it, anyway. So be sure to offer your opinion regularly, even--or maybe especially--when people don't want to hear it. Whenever they think they don't need your advice, that's when they actually need it the most. It's for their own good.
If you absolutely must give, give anything but yourself. You have to draw the line somewhere. If you start going soft, who knows where it might lead? People might actually come to expect sensitivity--and expect it all the time! Then you'd really be in trouble! So, keep your distance, keep your perspective, and keep people from taking advantage of you. You'll be glad you did.
Never fail to manipulate and control others. This is the only way to direct your own destiny, to reach your fullest potential, to truly become great. You can't expect other people to help you get ahead unless you can skillfully coerce them into doing so. They don't have your best interests at heart, nor do they have any stake in seeing you succeed. It's a "dog-eat-dog" world out there, and it's every man for himself! So take control!
And finally, never ask, always tell--and never, never say "please." If you expect to get ahead, to be taken seriously, to have people look up to you as a competent leader, and to have any credibility at all with them, it is absolutely critical that this aspect not be neglected. It is by this technique, perhaps more than any other, that you establish the air of authority that will make it easy to maintain your superior status.
This self-centered approach isn't very difficult to master. It's easy, really, once you see that it's a logical extension of the basic human instinct of self-preservation. And, with a little practice, you, too, can be well on your way to success in no time.
A word of warning, however: This method is so powerful that its systematic application is guaranteed to result in some degree of alienation from those individuals who are the targets of its insightful techniques. Therefore, anyone who actually enjoys pleasant, honest, and open interaction with other people on a mutually respectful basis, should not attempt these techniques under any circumstances. They obviously weren't meant to be leaders.
This time-tested approach is intended only for those of us who do not view isolation from the inferior masses as a bad thing--those of us who know that it's always been lonely at the top. We realize that this is simply the price we must pay for being superior, and we can handle it. We're strong. We are true leaders. And we've always been loners, anyway.
If you've always dreamed of getting ahead in life, this approach just might be for you.
Why not try it? But,be prepared...
It works every time.
Facetiously yours,
Jeanne
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