What I Learned From a Physician With an Atrocious Bedside Manner
February 11th 2008 01:57
My Entry to the Middle Zone Musings Group Writing Project
The following is my entry to the MZM "What I Learned From...People" group writing project. I thought this was a particularly appropriate time to post this story, since its topic is illness, which is something my family has become very intimately involved with of late. Be sure to check out the other entries to Robert's writing project once he posts the links tomorrow, Monday. (It's still Sunday here in America.) I'm sure you'll learn a great deal from everyone's shared wisdom!
A Great Concept to Explore
Though it's basically too late to enter the group project, you might nevertheless consider using Robert's "What I Learned From...People" concept as a writing prompt to exercise your writing "muscles." It's bound to foster some real insight as you explore the experience you choose to write about. And it goes without saying that this exercise would make a great blog post--even without entering it into the writing project. You might even use the idea as the basis for a magazine or online article about a person you've learned something from, and make a little money in the process.
My Entry
What I Learned From a Physician With an Atrocious Bedside Manner
People can be fantastic teachers—whether or not they actually intend to be!
A Very Sick Family
More years ago than I care to count, when my oldest child was about four years old or so, our entire family became very ill: Mom, Dad, and children numbers One, Two, and Three. That was a lot of sick people to have in one house, believe me! We had such bad coughs that we could barely sleep at night, and our stomach muscles were so sore from coughing that we thought we’d die if something wasn’t done about it soon.
We were too sick to go to the pharmacy, and being new in town, we didn’t have our own doctor yet. Well, between sneezes, wheezes, and coughing fits, I did a little research and managed to find a pharmacy that actually delivered. (That, in itself was a small miracle!) I then chose a doctor’s name from the phone book and called his office, prepared to beg, if need be, to get my family some much-needed medicine to help get us through this horrendous illness.
A Compassionate Medical Assistant
As it turned out, I didn’t have to beg. It was late in the day and apparently the good doctor had already left. But his friendly, helpful, and compassionate assistant happened to be working that afternoon. (And as I would later learn after actually meeting the doctor, that was, for us, a large miracle.) I explained our situation to him, and he was very concerned. He agreed to phone in a prescription to the pharmacy which would then deliver it to us. I thanked him profusely between sneezes. I could hardly believe our good fortune!
Soon we had our medicine and some much-needed relief. We were ecstatic (at least as ecstatic as you can be when you’re down for the count with the world’s worst cold.) But our joy was to be short-lived.
Complications
Soon, I noticed that my oldest son was developing an angry red rash all over his body, along with a frighteningly high fever. After putting him into the bathtub, splashing him with tepid water to bring down his temperature, and doing everything else humanly possible to make him comfortable, I consulted Dr. Benjamin Spock. (Well, not personally—but through his book, Baby and Child Care. While I never went in for his permissiveness “gospel,” his advice always did come in handy where my children’s physical health was concerned.)
Through that well-known paperback book, I soon discovered what was wrong with my son: he had scarlet fever! There was no question in my mind! It was obvious! At any rate, I knew we needed to visit the doctor. By that time, we’d used up all the cough medicine the doctor’s assistant had prescribed, and we were once again coughing uncontrollably and feeling quite miserable.
Doctor’s Visit
Who better to call than the doctor whose assistant had so kindly helped us, I thought. (It seemed to make sense at the time.) I was so naïve in those days that I even thought that carrying in the huge empty bottle that had once contained codeine cough syrup would somehow lend credence to our illness, since his assistant had seen fit to prescribe it for my terribly ill and suffering family. I couldn’t have been more wrong. (But I’m wiser today because of it.) However, I was hardly prepared for the reception and treatment I actually received when I arrived at this doctor’s office.
Contentious Diagnosis
On carrying my son into the examining room, I set him down on the examining table and said, “I think my son has scarlet fever,” to which the doctor unceremoniously replied something to the effect of, “I’ll be the one to tell you what he has.” (I was a bit taken aback by his unfriendly demeanor.) He seemed annoyed that I might actually know what was wrong with my son.
He examined him and guess what he had, folks: yes, it was scarlet fever; yet this doctor wasn’t about to leave it at that. He actually accused me of trying to tell him how to practice medicine. Can you believe it? (Now, mind you, I hadn’t walked in boldly declaring that I knew beyond any doubt what was wrong with my son—or what the doctor should do about it [other than bringing in the empty cough syrup bottle, foolish as that was]—but had actually quite meekly stated what I thought was wrong with him. And though I really was all but sure I was right, I didn’t come across that way—at least not to anyone with a normal-sized ego.)
Insult to Injury
To add insult to injury (and this physician epitomized that unpleasant offense), despite the fact that I was coughing right in front of him there in the office, he refused to refill the prescription for the cough syrup that actually worked and that would have saved us so much misery over the coming days, telling me in no uncertain terms that he was writing one for Robitussin, which would, of course, never work for a cough such as we had. (I know, it was partly my fault for handing him the empty cough syrup bottle; but I believe he should have known what medication was the correct one for the problem. And who writes a prescription for Robitussin, anyway?)
Attitude Is Everything
I also know something else: his attitude was uncalled for, and that wasn’t my fault. He was unfriendly, uncompassionate, judgmental, and (dare I say it?) unprofessional. That was a very stressful time for my family and me. I was concerned about my son and the rest of my still-sick family, I was still sick myself, and I didn’t even have enough money to take a cab back home (as I had on the way in) but would be spending the last of my money to catch the bus home with my very sick son, which promised to be a long and strenuous trip on the small-town bus system where the buses didn’t run very often. It was an ordeal I dreaded, as I sat there in his office, feeling quite forlorn. But, did he show any concern? None whatsoever.
Insult Number Two
Aside from all of the above, do you know what this doctor said to me, when I told him that I’d had to take a cab to his office—which was quite a distance from where we lived and which I certainly couldn’t afford. “Your son is worth it.” But this wasn't a compassionate statement spoken on behalf of my son; it was a judgmental barb meant to point out what a bad mother I must be for even mentioning it.
Perhaps I should say, in his defense, that he didn’t know that I couldn’t afford the cab fare I’d spent to get there or that I didn’t have enough money to take a cab back home and that I’d be spending my last few dollars to even return home on the bus. But somehow I don’t really think it would have mattered to him, because, you see, he’d already made up his mind about me; and for some reason that to this day I don’t really understand, he simply didn’t like me.
Painful Experiences Teach Us Lessons
This was a painful experience for me, in part because it’s always difficult to be misjudged and misunderstood by others and in part because it’s even more difficult to be mistreated, by them, as well. But I have learned a few things from the experience. Here they are:
1. First Impressions Count; Give Yours a Little Advance Thought
Think about the impression you will make upon a total stranger if you do or say the thing you’re planning. It may seem, from your perspective, to be fine. It may even seem to be the right thing. But it may not seem so right from the other person’s point of view, and may in fact cause the person—who, after all, doesn’t have the benefit of knowing you—to think less of you.
So, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see the situation as that person would. The exercise could prove quite revealing—and could save you untold misery. (Case in point: If I’d thought ahead about what it might look like to a doctor who didn’t know me to see me walk in with a large, empty codeine cough medicine bottle—that he had neither prescribed nor okayed—asking for a refill, I likely would have left the bottle at home.)
2. People Will Misjudge Your Motives; Explain Yourself
Those who don’t know you have nothing on which to base a judgment which attributes pure motives to your words or actions. They haven’t had the opportunity to learn to trust you, and therefore they will judge the things you say and do in a vacuum—well, not a complete vacuum, since, as we know, we all evaluate everything we see and hear through the filter of our own personal beliefs, experiences, and/or prejudices.
So, be prepared when people misjudge and misunderstand you, and do your best to act and speak in ways that will help to dispel those myths about your malevolent motives. This might include speaking up when necessary to explain some things that the other person may not understand about you or your circumstances (as in my concern about having spent most of the last of my money on cab fare to get my son to the doctor.)
3. Many People Are Prepared to Think the Worst of You; Prove Them Wrong
There actually are people who are constantly on the lookout for every negative thing they can discover—or dream up—about you and completely prepared to make the most of it at your expense. They may be arrogant, insensitive individuals with inflexible ideas who think they have a monopoly on wisdom and therefore have the world and everyone in it—you included—figured out.
Once they’ve made up their mind about you, they’ll sometimes go out of their way to be rude, sarcastic, and demeaning in their treatment of you, and you’ll have a tough time trying to convince them that they are wrong about you. Do, try, though. But, if the person is so inflexible that you’re simply unable to succeed, don’t take it to heart. (Easier said than done, I know.) But do your best to ignore it and move on. (In this case, I definitely took it to heart—and to be honest, it still hurts today, if I let it get the better of me.)
4. Experts/Professionals Do Not Always Enjoy Being Told Something by Common Folks; Ask, Don't Tell
Many professionals have quite large egos and can’t handle having us lowly peons take the wind out of their sails by informing them that we already knew what they’d hoped to impress us with by telling us themselves. Many—though by no means all—professionals, including doctors and lawyers, seem to believe that all their patients/clients are ignorant and uninformed about medicine or law, simply because they don’t have “MD” or “Esquire” after their names. This is too bad, as many of us engage in extensive research to learn what we need to know about our situations and are actually quite well-informed about these matters.
There’s little we can do with the egotistical professional, except perhaps speak our minds in a confident yet humble manner, deferring to their greater expertise, possibly by expressing our thoughts and concerns but asking their opinions. Should we disagree with their opinions, it would probably be best to do so through the roundabout route of asking questions rather than declaring our disagreement. Be prepared for the fact that this will not always work, though, in which case you may simply need to make that visit your last visit. (In my case, my first visit to this doctor was indeed my last.)
5. Be Thankful that Truly Unfriendly People Are in the Minority, And Appreciate the Friendly Ones
Meeting people like these always brings a greater appreciation for those who aren’t that way—or at least it should. It’s important to remember that while dealing with such abrasive and uncaring individuals is highly unpleasant, they are, thankfully, in the minority and our bad experiences with them can always be balanced against the good experiences we’ve had with other, more caring people (like the esteemed doctor’s compassionate young assistant who had stepped forward to help us when we were so badly in need of his help.)
Calling those more heartwarming experiences to mind more often, rather than dwelling on the heart-wrenching ones, can help renew our faith in our fellow man and counterbalance the great unpleasantness we’ve experienced in our dealings with the negative minority.
Hopefully, you've learned a few things along with me, as you've read my story of "What I Learned From...People".
Thanks so much for reading!
Jeanne
Did you enjoy this post? Have anything to add or any of your own wisdom-inducing experiences with other people to share? We'd love to hear from you!
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Comment by Joanne Fedler
What a horrible experience. I've been known to be reduced to tears by terse doctors and their nurses. Doctors have the biggest egos (apart from lawyers) and if I find a doctor lacking compassion, I make a point of telling them so. I am very fussy about who I will let poke and touch me and be my HEALER which is what they have undertaken when they swore the old Hippocratic Oath.
At the time, you were probably feeling so ill and forlorn you didn't even think to say, 'Thanks for nothing, you up-yourself prick. Just because you've got a medical degree on your wall doesn't give you the right to put me down, treat me like a lowly being or dismiss my anxieties. I will be sure to let everyone I know just what sort of treatment I received here, and you will not, not ever, be treating me or any of my family again.'
Or perhaps more compassionately, 'I am very sorry that I seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot with you. I am feeling horrible and anxious, because I am ill and my whole family is too. I am sorry for whatever reason that you are unable to offer me the one thing that would make me feel better - a little kindness in a time of trouble. I won't be troubling you again for your advice or care. JERK.'
I agree though, there are good lessons to be learned from situations like that. But I've had doctors who have completely surprised me with their compassion and kindness and that has made up for all the duds.
Great post,
Jo
Comment by Michele L.
It saddens me when people are rude and hurtful. Why be that way? I just don't understand it....
I'm thrilled that you were able to take this painful experience and turn it into such a mesmerizing story by sharing the lessons you've learned!
Thanks for sharing!
Smiles,
Michele
P.S. And this was the perfect time to share this with you and your family being ill.
Comment by Jeanne Dininni
Writer's Notes
One thing I think is so important and that we so often overlook is that we should be sure to tell those doctors and other medical, legal, or other professionals who have shown us compassion how much we appreciate it.
So often, we don't say anything unless there's a problem. (As they say, "The squeaky wheel gets the oil.") But those people who help to make our lives better, happier, and more comfortable deserve our thanks and recognition for going out of their way to be kind. We definitely want to encourage people like that to keep up the good work!
So, now, to practice what I preach: Thanks, Jo, for your compassion! You obviously understand what I went through, and I so appreciate your expressing it here in comments! As difficult as it is to be misunderstood and maligned--that's precisely how wonderful it feels to be understood and encouraged!
You're the best!
Jeanne
Comment by Jeanne Dininni
Writer's Notes
Thanks so much for your generous evaluation of my post! I definitely "entered into" this story on an emotional level as I recounted the hurtful moments, and I'm glad to know that the emotion came through.
There's just so much to be learned through even our most negative experiences, and I'm thankful to Robert for getting us thinking about the lessons we've learned from so many different things. Robert's "What I Learned From..." (or WILF) group writing projects are a great way to come to terms with so many things in our lives and share what we've learned with others.
I really appreciate your empathy and compassion, Michele! It's so difficult to understand why a person would treat another human being the way this doctor did me, and I only pray that he himself has learned a few life lessons since then.
I have also often hoped that his compassionate assistant didn't get into trouble for helping us the way he did, because he was the one person who, to the greatest extent humanly possible at the time, helped us to get through--and he was actually the very best thing about that particular medical practice! I would have felt absolutely terrible had I learned that he'd gotten into trouble for helping us! Though, to be honest, I would hardly expect anything else from a doctor who would treat a patient the way he treated me. Wherever that medical assistant is today, I wish him well.
Thanks, again, Michele, for your compassionate comment!
Jeanne
Comment by Lillie Ammann
When I read your post title, I thought of my own beloved doctor. Your post described a different person and a different situation, and my heart goes out to you for the treatment you received.
But I must confess my doctor has an atrocious bedside manner and is very blunt. But he is extremely compassionate and cares about his patients deeply. He is a wonderful doctor, a good friend, and at times a business partner.
He put more than 50 stitches in my head and quite a few more in my arms when I was attacked by a Doberman while I was in such pain I was throwing up. He had to treat me lying down, making it very awkward for him to work. My scalp was exposed in an area about the size of a quarter, and he consulted with a plastic surgeon by phone. The plastic surgeon told him to just stitch it up as best he could because dog bites almost always lead to infection, and it would be best to postpone plastic surgery until the infection was cleared up. I never got an infection, and I never needed plastic surgery. He did such a beautiful job of stitching me up that the scars are hardly visible.
He's so dedicated to his patients that he's been available to me by cell phone when he was out of state and to an emergency room doctor treating me for an emergency a few days after my doctor had surgery for bladder cancer.
One time he, my husband, and I were traveling into Mexico for a business meeting. We were pulled over at the checkpoint to have our vehicle thoroughly searched, and with the number of heavily loaded vehicles ahead of us, we knew we'd never make our lunch meeting on time. So Dr B called over one of the Mexican officials and pointed to me and to my scooter in the back of the van. "Cripple," he said. "Cripple." The official waved us through the checkpoint. My doctor said, "I know you don't like to be called a cripple, but it will get us to our meeting on time!" I actually thought about writing a story about a terrorist or drug smuggler who disguised himself as a "cripple" to avoid detection, but then I decided I didn't want to give anyone any ideas.
I'm so sorry for the mistreatment you received, but I enjoyed thinking my own doctor with the atrocious bedside manner! Maybe the lesson here is that sometimes a heart of gold is hidden beneath a brusque exterior. (I"m not talking about your experience, but it just reminded me of my doctor who comes across as far less caring than he really is, but his patients quickly learn what he's really like - he's been in practice more than 50 years and has more patients than he can handle.)
Comment by Jeanne Dininni
Writer's Notes
Thanks so much for sharing your story with us! I was so sorry to hear what you were forced to go through because of that doberman attack! Thank God you had such a wonderful doctor--so skilled and so caring! He sounds like a dedicated doctor, loyal friend, and all around great guy to have around when you're in a bind!
How fantastic that he did such a fine job stitching you up, because he took the care to do it right, rather than doing a second-rate job because infection was expected! That's a doctor that any young intern should seek to emulate!
Your doctor's "atrocious bedside manner" was obviously just a superficial matter, whereas the doctor in my story had more deep-seated personality issues which manifested themselves as the inability to relate properly to his patient. There's such a big difference between the two!
Now that you mention it, though, calling his problem an "atrocious bedside manner" was putting it kindly (sort of a euphemism, I guess)--he was actually downright mean! And his meanness was internal before it manifested itself externally.
I really appreciate your comment, and I'm so glad I was able to bring back fond memories of your own doctor by my choice of phraseology!
Thanks for the visit!
Jeanne
Comment by Brad Shorr
Comment by Anonymous
Glad to hear you made it!
Ultimately, though, we're responsible for our own emotional well-being, and learning something positive from a negative experience is up to us. It sounds to me like you've done quite well.
Cheers!
Comment by Jeanne Dininni
Writer's Notes
Thanks for your kind thoughts! It's been a long haul, illness-wise, and the battle isn't over yet, I'm afraid. But we're working on it!
So glad to hear that your friends found a compassionate doctor to help them get through their battle! I think "humanity" was an excellent word choice! It definitely gets the point across! People so need the human touch, and it's so often lacking!
Sorry to hear about your physician friend's tragic death. He sounds like a man that many people must miss. He was just the kind of doctor who's a dream-come-true for his patients. How sad.
I agree with you that today I wouldn't put up with that treatment, but at the time, I had little alternative.
Thanks so much for sharing your insights and your friends' stories! It's so appreciated!
Jeanne
Comment by Jeanne Dininni
Writer's Notes
Thanks for stopping by and reading my entry! I'd hoped I would succeed in getting across the emotional component of the experience, and I'm glad to see that I've managed to do that. (I was fairly certain I had, since I felt it strongly myself, even as I wrote the piece.)
You are so right that each of us is responsible for our own emotional well-being, though we are all at different stages of emotional development. But learning something positive from our negative experiences is definitely a giant leap in the direction of emotional growth!
Thanks for the visit--and the writing project!
Jeanne
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Jeanne Dininni
Writer's Notes
So sorry to hear that you have someone like that in your life--particularly a relative. But I applaud you for taking the "high road." You are so right. Such people cannot be happy, which must be why they try so hard to pass that same unhappiness on to others. We should pity and pray for them--though that can be hard to do when they hurt us. If we do, though, maybe someday, by the grace of God, they'll see the light and change.
Thanks so much for sharing your own painful experience with us!
Blessings,
Jeanne
Comment by Anonymous
Take care of tourself, Love, Merle.
Comment by Jeanne Dininni
Writer's Notes
Thanks so much! Hope you've left a link to your blog for me over at Michele's place so I can visit you, too.
As for my family, that incident happened a while back, but we do happen to be battling illness right now, as well. Thankfully, we don't have to contend with the added burden of a difficult doctor!
You take care, too, Merle!
Blessings,
Jeanne